Why? I hear you ask. Well this is why...
Everyone on our street is about 4 million years old. Honestly, the combined age of everybody in this street would look more like a phone number than anything else. There's so much 'old' in this road, I'm surprised our address isn't 300BC, Old Kent Road, Oldham, OL6 0LD.
But what's so great about living on a street full of old people? Well it depends on your perspective. If you're old, and you live on a street full of old people, or 'Old Zones' as we call them, then I guess you just fit in, no questions asked, problem solved. You're with your own kind, and you're ineviteably going to make some friends of your age group.
We however, are in our very early 20's. There's nothing to talk about. We have nothing to relate to these people. We don't remember the war, and quite frankly, I'm kind of glad. We don't know how it was 'back in the day', but we're sure as hell glad that we don't have to grow our own spuds, or walk 15 miles to the nearest post office, or carry our parents to work, or whatever other exagerated stories the 'Olds' like to concoct to make you feel guilty about how good your life is. To be perfectly fair, they should be happy that we don't have to walk 15 miles in the snow just to get a stick of butter, because if we did, they'd be screwed, I know that. They should cheer up every now and then, and be thankful that idiots like myself work for tesco.com, so that they don't have to leave the comfort of their knitting in order to get their crumpets on time.
I'm going off on a tangent now. Where was I? Oh yeah, the point is...we don't have to socialise with them, at all. They leave us well alone, and that's perfectly fine by us. This has led us to a number of conclusions.
Through frequent testing, we've discovered the following:
1) Old people live in old houses.
You know what that means right? You ever hear the saying "they don't make 'em like they used to". Well guess what? That's very, very, very true. In our house every room is seperated by a whole layer of bricks at least. None of this dry wall shit. There's no likely chance of you putting a hole in your wall every time you sneeze in the wrong general direction. This is good for one thing, and one thing only:
2) We can make as much noise as we want.
We did a series of tests over the course of about a week, courtesy of this guy:
Snoop knows a little somethin' about making loud music. Not only that, but he swears a bit. He's the perfect candidate to use in our test to try and piss somebody off.
A week's worth of testing, and frequent volume increases, and we haven't heard a peep from Joan next door. This can only mean one of three things.
a) She's deaf. Not the worst case scenario.
b) She's dead. The worst case scenario.
c) We have really thick walls.
Or a combination of the above. Either way it bodes well for future parties.
3) When people think you're old, they think you're useless.
Never before has the saying 'out of sight, out of mind' ever applied so truthfully to any scenario. Honestly, when people think you're old, they just do shit for you.
There was a storm a while back. Our back yard fence got totally trashed. A day goes by. It's still trashed. Another day. I've got a broken leg, so I ain't fixing it. Another day. Another. 5 days later, someone's fixed it! HA! Like a senior citizen in the night, somebody came and fixed our fence!
Another example: We haven't been very good with our recycling recently. In fact over the last couple of months, we haven't done any. Yet for some reason, the bin men will take away anything we put in the wheelie bin! HA! Trying to find bin men round here that do that is bloody impossible. But hey, if they think we're old, they obviously think we don't know any better. We could get a corpse in there with a briefcase full of twenty's and a 'Congratulations You're A Winner' banner and they'd probably just chuck it out.
Bottom line is, living in Old Zones is awesome. I suggest everybody moves to a street where they're at least 40 years younger than everyone else. It does wonders for your chi.
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