How to beat depression...

Right, allegedly today is the 'most depressing' day of the year. Apparently. Although to be quite honest I don't see how they could go about measuring that in any kind of way that would amount to something classed as 'scientific'. Do they go around the world clocking off how many suicides there are in each city or something? And even if they did, surely they'd only know which was the most depressing day of the year 24 hours after the day itself.

Regardless, my mother informed me at 9am this morning that today is indeed the most depressing day of the year.

Well, today can kiss my ass, because considering all the elements in place, my day hasn't been too bad. In fact, it's been a pretty good day in the life of this temporarily crippled pirate. So, follow my lead people, I'm going to teach you how to battle the blues.

1) Firstly, wake up, but don't get up. I sure as hell didn't. I led there for a good hour or two before I even moved. I knew I was awake the whole time, because I was thinking about cereal, and I never remember my dreams. If I know what was on my mind at any point in bed, then I must have been awake at that time.

If you've got to go to work, set your alarm an hour early. Then just lie there. It's not like you have anywhere else to be but in bed, and waking up on your own terms kicks ass.

2) Don't get dressed. Again, I can see this getting in the way of people's jobs and all that, but for now let's just say that everybody is at home today. Besides, if you're depressed, and you're at work, chances are you're depressed because of work. In which case you just quit your job, and thank me later.

So don't get dressed. Pretty self explanatory. There's a reason you sleep in pajamas. They're comfy, so stay comfy.

3) Eat something with chocolate in it. If you're like me, a diabetic, chocolate becomes the forbidden fruit of Eden. Which makes it taste all the more satisfying to eat shit loads of it. So get it done. Today is all about you, the depressed. Screw it, drink chocolate if you must, just get some of that brown love inside you.

4) Spend 1/24th of your day on the toilet. The keen minded among you will know that 1/24th of a day is an hour. So you take that hour and you literally shit all over it. It's just Karma.

5) Shower, but only after you've spent all day smelling. Shower when it's least appropriate. There's nothing quite like sitting in your own filth for the first half of the day. When you've got no one to impress, it's great. When there is somebody to impress, it can also be great. Depends how sadistic you're feeling. All I know is I haven't showered, and I've yet to complain about myself.

6) Do something great at night. Wasting the day is one thing, but to top it off, you have to get the full use out of your night. Otherwise, wasting tomorrow won't feel so sweet. So for me, I'm going to hang out with my band, but here's a list of suggestions of things you can do to complete the perfect day:

Get wasted.
Get wasted and dance a lot.
Get wasted, then get a tattoo.
Get a tattoo and then get wasted.
Get a tattoo of you getting wasted.
Hunt and kill your own dinner.
Gamble away something really important.
Pretend to be a tramp with 3 of your friends, and race each other to be the first to beg your way to a tenner.
Travel to another town in a wheelie bin.