How to defy gravity...

People often say to me, 'Kyle, you're so smart, how is it possible that I might be able to defeat the laws of gravity?"

To which I always reply, "Well thank you, woman of my dreams. Allow me to show you..."

There are few things that are certain in life. Science doesn't always provide the answers. In a lot of cases, it merely provides more questions. Questions like:

"What came first, the chicken or the egg?"

Actually, I believe they answered that one. Turns out it was the egg. Bad example really.

Anyway, amongst all the theories yet to be proven or found legitimate, there are two which should stand firm in the minds of all human beings as being completely infallible in every way.

1)



It is a proven scientific fact that if you drop a piece of toast, it WILL land butter side down. That's the honest truth. Try it. You'll only waste your toast.


2)



If a cat is to fall or, Heaven forbid, you drop it from a great height, it will ALWAYS land on its feet. ALWAYS. Don't even try it, just believe.

Now I know you know where this is going. If it's completely impossible to drop a piece of toast butter side up, and it's completely impossible to drop a cat on its back...what the hell happens when you glue a piece of toast, butter side up, to a cat's back?



I'm not going to pretend that I invented this argument. 5 minutes on Google will show you that this has in fact been discussed by other Scientific minds across the globe. I'm merely going to tell you exactly what I think happens in a situation such as this. I don't need to test it out, mostly because I have no intention of harming feline creatures.

So we know that we have no way of landing this monstrosity pleasantly. Something might get hurt. It's impossible for the cat to land on its feet. It's impossible for the toast to land butter side down. So how does it land?




Simple answer: It doesn't.

It's my belief that as the toastcat approaches the floor, the opposing polarities of both the toast and the cat act like magnets and shoot the thing back on itself. When you were a kid in school, did you ever get the North side of two magnets and try and put them together, only to find that they pulled apart? This is exactly what happens, causing, in essence, a rotating cat, as shown:



So now we've got this huge power potential. You must remember that trains in Japan can be powered by magnets alone, and they can reach some incredible speeds. This got me thinking about gravity. If there was a force constantly pushing you away, you would technically be forced out of the way. But if there was an opposing force on the other side of you, you might actually be able to float.

Thus, my design for an anti gravity chamber was born:



As you can see, our man is floating inside the chamber above. This is because he has smeared himself in dirt. Every time the butter or paws side of the spinning toastcat is subjected towards him, he is drawn to it, only to be thrown aside by the force of the spin. By throwing multiple toast cats around the chamber at slightly different times, we can ensure the man stays afloat constantly.


So there you have it. It's that simple. Try it yourself. You won't be disappointed.


*Note from the author: If you feel inclined to believe in any of this, seek professional help.