Just a quick blog today. Hardly been writing for this thing in the run up to launching our site, but you'll all be glad to know it's finally online. Whoo! Well, the beta version anyway. There's still a lot of development to be done on it as of yet, but we're getting there.
First off, let me just say, I'm deeply saddened by the death of Heath Ledger yesterday. I'm a Batman NERD. I've been following the progress of the latest film since before Heath was even cast as the Joker. I remember seeing the first picture of him, and ultimately the first live footage of him playing my favourite character of all time, and he blew me away. So to hear of his passing suddenly, well, it sucks major ass.
Imagine if Godzilla came over to you and said:
"Hey there dude, I was wondering if you could help me out?"
"Go on..."
"Well, this is kind of embarassing, but whilst I was stomping the shit out of New York, I accidentally sat on the Empire State Building and got this huge spire stuck in my ass".
"Ouch".
"Tell me about it. Anyway, I got the spire out, but as you can imagine, the high level of toxins in the city's ever corroding eco-system has caused the wound to become slightly infected".
"Get to the point Godzilla".
"Well I was just wondering if you would mind extracting the infection from my ass for me, please. Of course, the only way you could do it would be to suck it out".
And then three years down the line, your mate goes "Hey dude, remember that time you sucked Godzilla's ass?"
All I'd be able to say is, "Yeah, I remember. But you know what sucked more ass than when I sucked Godzilla's ass? That time Heath Ledger died. That sucked major ass".
But it got me thinking, as I walked past the national paper stand at Tesco, only to see Heath Ledger's face emblazoned across every page. It made me think, "Crap, a LOT of people are talking about Heath Ledger right now. If I died tomorrow, nobody would talk about me".
Or would they? How many people are talking about you...right now?
This all lead to me thinking "I wonder what would happen if I Googled myself"
So I did. And guess what? Turns out, people are talking about me. In a variety of languages in fact.
So my first search was pretty useless. I typed in Kyle Webster and I got 449,000 results. Naturally, I'm quite elated at this. 449,000 pages? Who do they think I am? Elvis Presley?
So I was pretty disheartened to find that roughly 448.400 of those pages actually referred to either Kyle Webster the illustrator, or Kyle Webster the business manager. Scarily enough, I'm moving my career into both those categories. I'd like to take this moment to raise my middle finger at the two aforementioned Kyle Webster's, and declare them, as of now, obsolete, for I can do both of their jobs, in one ruggedly handsome package. Go me.
Anyway, I narrowed down my search to simply this "kyle andrew chog zoo" and was simply delighted to find 683 webpages talking about us. What a quaint little number for a company with hardly any interest, and no website.
What was odd, however, was when I found a bunch of our videos linked to a website named Fooooo.com, a site written entirely in what appears to be chinese, specialising in videos taken on a phone, videos taken of a phone, or just generally any kind of porn. As you can imagine, the site makes literally no sense, there's a bunch of flashing lights (standard with most Asian things), and you're just bombarded full on by the bizarre inner workings of a seedy online chinese community, complete with videos like this:
I mean honestly, what the hell is that? I have no idea, but I do know this:
4 days ago, I get annihilated by an array of messages on my Myspace by some girl from China. 4 messages in, I still don't know her real name (but I'm pretty sure 20 year old Chinese girls don't get named Shirley), and she's trying to get me to tell her my blood type! Yeah right! I don't even know it myself, so fat chance of me telling her!
One thing's for sure, she got deleted, lickety split. Methinks the Chinese are gearing up for a hostile take over of Chog Zoo. Who could blame them? We kick ass.
Right, allegedly today is the 'most depressing' day of the year. Apparently. Although to be quite honest I don't see how they could go about measuring that in any kind of way that would amount to something classed as 'scientific'. Do they go around the world clocking off how many suicides there are in each city or something? And even if they did, surely they'd only know which was the most depressing day of the year 24 hours after the day itself.
Regardless, my mother informed me at 9am this morning that today is indeed the most depressing day of the year.
Well, today can kiss my ass, because considering all the elements in place, my day hasn't been too bad. In fact, it's been a pretty good day in the life of this temporarily crippled pirate. So, follow my lead people, I'm going to teach you how to battle the blues.
1) Firstly, wake up, but don't get up. I sure as hell didn't. I led there for a good hour or two before I even moved. I knew I was awake the whole time, because I was thinking about cereal, and I never remember my dreams. If I know what was on my mind at any point in bed, then I must have been awake at that time.
If you've got to go to work, set your alarm an hour early. Then just lie there. It's not like you have anywhere else to be but in bed, and waking up on your own terms kicks ass.
2) Don't get dressed. Again, I can see this getting in the way of people's jobs and all that, but for now let's just say that everybody is at home today. Besides, if you're depressed, and you're at work, chances are you're depressed because of work. In which case you just quit your job, and thank me later.
So don't get dressed. Pretty self explanatory. There's a reason you sleep in pajamas. They're comfy, so stay comfy.
3) Eat something with chocolate in it. If you're like me, a diabetic, chocolate becomes the forbidden fruit of Eden. Which makes it taste all the more satisfying to eat shit loads of it. So get it done. Today is all about you, the depressed. Screw it, drink chocolate if you must, just get some of that brown love inside you.
4) Spend 1/24th of your day on the toilet. The keen minded among you will know that 1/24th of a day is an hour. So you take that hour and you literally shit all over it. It's just Karma.
5) Shower, but only after you've spent all day smelling. Shower when it's least appropriate. There's nothing quite like sitting in your own filth for the first half of the day. When you've got no one to impress, it's great. When there is somebody to impress, it can also be great. Depends how sadistic you're feeling. All I know is I haven't showered, and I've yet to complain about myself.
6) Do something great at night. Wasting the day is one thing, but to top it off, you have to get the full use out of your night. Otherwise, wasting tomorrow won't feel so sweet. So for me, I'm going to hang out with my band, but here's a list of suggestions of things you can do to complete the perfect day:
Get wasted. Get wasted and dance a lot. Get wasted, then get a tattoo. Get a tattoo and then get wasted. Get a tattoo of you getting wasted. Hunt and kill your own dinner. Gamble away something really important. Pretend to be a tramp with 3 of your friends, and race each other to be the first to beg your way to a tenner. Travel to another town in a wheelie bin.
