Website finally online!

Hey there everyone.

Just a quick blog today. Hardly been writing for this thing in the run up to launching our site, but you'll all be glad to know it's finally online. Whoo! Well, the beta version anyway. There's still a lot of development to be done on it as of yet, but we're getting there.

One step at a time...

How to defy gravity...

People often say to me, 'Kyle, you're so smart, how is it possible that I might be able to defeat the laws of gravity?"

To which I always reply, "Well thank you, woman of my dreams. Allow me to show you..."

There are few things that are certain in life. Science doesn't always provide the answers. In a lot of cases, it merely provides more questions. Questions like:

"What came first, the chicken or the egg?"

Actually, I believe they answered that one. Turns out it was the egg. Bad example really.

Anyway, amongst all the theories yet to be proven or found legitimate, there are two which should stand firm in the minds of all human beings as being completely infallible in every way.

1)



It is a proven scientific fact that if you drop a piece of toast, it WILL land butter side down. That's the honest truth. Try it. You'll only waste your toast.


2)



If a cat is to fall or, Heaven forbid, you drop it from a great height, it will ALWAYS land on its feet. ALWAYS. Don't even try it, just believe.

Now I know you know where this is going. If it's completely impossible to drop a piece of toast butter side up, and it's completely impossible to drop a cat on its back...what the hell happens when you glue a piece of toast, butter side up, to a cat's back?



I'm not going to pretend that I invented this argument. 5 minutes on Google will show you that this has in fact been discussed by other Scientific minds across the globe. I'm merely going to tell you exactly what I think happens in a situation such as this. I don't need to test it out, mostly because I have no intention of harming feline creatures.

So we know that we have no way of landing this monstrosity pleasantly. Something might get hurt. It's impossible for the cat to land on its feet. It's impossible for the toast to land butter side down. So how does it land?




Simple answer: It doesn't.

It's my belief that as the toastcat approaches the floor, the opposing polarities of both the toast and the cat act like magnets and shoot the thing back on itself. When you were a kid in school, did you ever get the North side of two magnets and try and put them together, only to find that they pulled apart? This is exactly what happens, causing, in essence, a rotating cat, as shown:



So now we've got this huge power potential. You must remember that trains in Japan can be powered by magnets alone, and they can reach some incredible speeds. This got me thinking about gravity. If there was a force constantly pushing you away, you would technically be forced out of the way. But if there was an opposing force on the other side of you, you might actually be able to float.

Thus, my design for an anti gravity chamber was born:



As you can see, our man is floating inside the chamber above. This is because he has smeared himself in dirt. Every time the butter or paws side of the spinning toastcat is subjected towards him, he is drawn to it, only to be thrown aside by the force of the spin. By throwing multiple toast cats around the chamber at slightly different times, we can ensure the man stays afloat constantly.


So there you have it. It's that simple. Try it yourself. You won't be disappointed.


*Note from the author: If you feel inclined to believe in any of this, seek professional help.

How to beat depression...

Right, allegedly today is the 'most depressing' day of the year. Apparently. Although to be quite honest I don't see how they could go about measuring that in any kind of way that would amount to something classed as 'scientific'. Do they go around the world clocking off how many suicides there are in each city or something? And even if they did, surely they'd only know which was the most depressing day of the year 24 hours after the day itself.

Regardless, my mother informed me at 9am this morning that today is indeed the most depressing day of the year.

Well, today can kiss my ass, because considering all the elements in place, my day hasn't been too bad. In fact, it's been a pretty good day in the life of this temporarily crippled pirate. So, follow my lead people, I'm going to teach you how to battle the blues.

1) Firstly, wake up, but don't get up. I sure as hell didn't. I led there for a good hour or two before I even moved. I knew I was awake the whole time, because I was thinking about cereal, and I never remember my dreams. If I know what was on my mind at any point in bed, then I must have been awake at that time.

If you've got to go to work, set your alarm an hour early. Then just lie there. It's not like you have anywhere else to be but in bed, and waking up on your own terms kicks ass.

2) Don't get dressed. Again, I can see this getting in the way of people's jobs and all that, but for now let's just say that everybody is at home today. Besides, if you're depressed, and you're at work, chances are you're depressed because of work. In which case you just quit your job, and thank me later.

So don't get dressed. Pretty self explanatory. There's a reason you sleep in pajamas. They're comfy, so stay comfy.

3) Eat something with chocolate in it. If you're like me, a diabetic, chocolate becomes the forbidden fruit of Eden. Which makes it taste all the more satisfying to eat shit loads of it. So get it done. Today is all about you, the depressed. Screw it, drink chocolate if you must, just get some of that brown love inside you.

4) Spend 1/24th of your day on the toilet. The keen minded among you will know that 1/24th of a day is an hour. So you take that hour and you literally shit all over it. It's just Karma.

5) Shower, but only after you've spent all day smelling. Shower when it's least appropriate. There's nothing quite like sitting in your own filth for the first half of the day. When you've got no one to impress, it's great. When there is somebody to impress, it can also be great. Depends how sadistic you're feeling. All I know is I haven't showered, and I've yet to complain about myself.

6) Do something great at night. Wasting the day is one thing, but to top it off, you have to get the full use out of your night. Otherwise, wasting tomorrow won't feel so sweet. So for me, I'm going to hang out with my band, but here's a list of suggestions of things you can do to complete the perfect day:

Get wasted.
Get wasted and dance a lot.
Get wasted, then get a tattoo.
Get a tattoo and then get wasted.
Get a tattoo of you getting wasted.
Hunt and kill your own dinner.
Gamble away something really important.
Pretend to be a tramp with 3 of your friends, and race each other to be the first to beg your way to a tenner.
Travel to another town in a wheelie bin.

Our latest cartoon

At Chog Zoo we're mostly working on one show. It's a show about square people, living on a square planet. There's not much else to say about it really, except that we think it's hilarious. This could be either due to the fact that it's hilarious, or it could just be that Andrew and myself are two of those people that other people refer to as 'special', but like, not in the good way.

Anyway the show follows a guy called Wellington. Here he is, look:




He's basically a miserable bastard, whilst also being the show's protagonist. He's impolite, harsh, rude, ungrateful, uncaring, yet he's always there when the day needs saving.

Just to iterate, he NEVER saves the day. He's just always there when the day needs saving. Whether or not it gets saved is a different matter.

So right now we're working on something like the 4th or 5th episode. We've got plans to get this thing on TV at some point. You can catch pretty much every episode HERE.

But here's a short episode we made as more of an advertisement. Don't worry if it doesn't make sense. We don't, hehe.

Wellington and the Invention of Glass
Uploaded by ChogZoo