Films that would be better if they were documentaries

The other night, whilst more than slightly merry (slightly more than more than slightly in fact), we discussed which films would be a trillion times better if they were actually documentaries on UK television. We came up with the following:

THE RUNNING MAN: A BBC documentary focussing on the effects of the introduction of a third, 'blue' man at the traffic lights; a man who enforces the crosser to run across the road rather than walk, to reduce congestion times. He flashes whenever he reckons you can make it across the road, regardless of whether you can or not.

This series will concentrate on the A&E wards at Swansea's Sancta Maria Hospital, as they try and cope with the number of injured runners they get every day.

THE USUAL SUSPECTS: A BBC documentary focussing on what it's like to be a Black teenager with an ASBO, living on a council estate in central Liverpool. The camera follows the life of Allister, who moved into the area around the same time as the car fires started.

WHAT LIES BENEATH: A BBC documentary about how to properly insulate the flooring in your house, in order to generate warmth, cut down on energy consumption and ultimately prevail in the battle against the ravaged climate. Presented by Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen in shorts.

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN: A BBC documentary on the recent ban of country music at Swansea's most popular retirement home, causing an uproar in the senior citizens, as they barricade themselves in the cafeteria in defiance.

GONE WITH THE WIND: A BBC documentary about a hurricane that tore through Swansea in 1905, taking with it not only a large portion of the local housing estates, but 35% of all people living in them at the time. Many of these people have not been seen since, although a large portion of them were found floating around the Welsh coast.

THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS: A BBC documentary about the run up to Christmas beginning at the start of November. In an economy based on store credit, the programme focusses on the ever declining state of the country's debt and the aftermath of the Christmas season.

The programme takes place in the Woolworths located in Swansea's town centre.